


Disconnected

by starflight16



Series: The Healing of Scars [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Depressing, F/M, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I hate myself for this, Sad, Saving Keith, Triggers, send help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-10
Updated: 2016-12-10
Packaged: 2018-09-07 14:36:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8804686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starflight16/pseuds/starflight16
Summary: Keith was feeling better but he knew that he could never completely get the voice out. He would get night terrors, become paralyzed in his sleep. He can't get it out but Pidge wants to help him break out of his shell.TRIGGER WARNING IN THIS: I will say before it happens though so you can avoid it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all love this once more this was really actually hard for me to write up. Please no hate on the ship or content this took a long time.

I was trapped again. I was struggling with everything again. I snapped my eyes open and looked around trying to grab onto some kind of reality. I only saw an empty room, I felt frozen in place. I couldn’t move, I felt like someone was holding me down. There was no one there except the imaginary creature that laughed at me. I wanted to leave, I tried crying out but something stopped me. I could never make a sound. I tried fighting but all I heard was crazed laughter then nothing. I felt someone spread across my body like a blanket. I almost pushed them off but then I noticed it was Pidge, she must’ve run from her room over to mine.

“Keith are you okay?” Pidge asked and I nodded after a moment. I shut my eyes for a second then shifted my body so she would lay next to me.

“Stay here please,” I requested, I opened my eyes and looked at her. She looked a little weirded out but nodded after a moment.

“Sure, just don’t start to freak out again,” Pidge said and I felt a small smile crack across my face. I nodded again then curled toward her after a moment, I didn’t dare touch her but I felt her radiant warmth. I sighed and relaxed, I shut my eyes and let myself drift again. When I was actually awake again I felt arms wrapped around me. I frowned then opened my eyes and see Pidge holding onto me tightly. My features softened at the sight of her asleep, she looked so peaceful just gently breathing. I wrapped my arms around her in turn, I felt her move and thought I had woken her. Except then I realized she had just smiled. With her as a security blanket I was okay, the nightmares are always haunting me. Ever since our talk on the bridge we had drawn closer to each other. Instead of harming myself again I had nightmares of the voice and being held down to my bed. Helplessness to say the least.

I heard Pidge make a small noise and turned my attention to her, “Keith…” was all that was said before she settled back to sleep. I sighed again and kissed the top of her head gently before drifting to sleep again. Pidge gently shook me awake after a while, I blinked quickly except it wasn’t Pidge who did it. I turned my head to see Shiro who just smiled at me when he saw Pidge asleep in my arms.

“I’ll just go,” Shiro muttered and waved before walking out of the door. If Shiro came to check on me that means it has to be morning now.  _ Leave her, go to the bridge  _ I shook my head and nuzzled closer to the small girl. The voice faded away like it always did when I was with her. I didn’t drift away as I let my thoughts fly free.

I had never scared her as much as I had one day. I have never forgiven myself since that day only about a week ago. I had been pinned to my bed for the first time, then I was moved by some odd force to the bridge. Pidge told me I had been screaming the whole time but everyone was already asleep except her, she had been the only one awake. To me though I heard nothing but silence as I marched to the edge of the bridge. I had sat down and started to scoot closer to the edge before slipping completely off. Pidge caught me but barely held onto me, she managed to pull me up. She then made arrangements with me to leave my door open so she can hear me when I have another panic attack. She stirred slightly but I stroked her hair gently putting her at ease. I stress her out so much ever since I told her everything. I in turn received only a small bit of her story. It frustrated me but I understood, I just wish there was something I could do to fix the issue with the nightmares and terrors. I wish I could put her at ease. Tears prickled at the corner of my eyes but I blinked them away and shut my eyes tightly letting her relax me.

“Keith, we should get up,” Pidge muttered from where her head laid on my chest. I didn’t want to move, I remained where I was.

“I don’t want to,” I whispered, she sighed quietly and gave my back a gentle squeeze before sitting up.

“I don’t want to either, you’re always so calm when I’m with you. It’s...nice,” Pidge told me and I smiled at her sadly. I completely agreed with her.

“I know, I just want to live away from the voices forever,” I said and she nodded to before stepped off my bed and standing near the door. I stand up after a moment and followed, I was still in her presence which told me I was safe. I stopped and leaned against one of the large walls, I bowed my head and breathed deeply. I needed to put my shields up and put out my defenses, I needed to retract real emotion. I closed my eyes and adjusted my mask into place. When I looked up I saw Pidge’s eyes glazed over with tears.

“You know I have to…” I muttered but she shook her head, turned away and began to walk away. I broke her heart every time I hid my emotions. I could only reach out to her and she knew but didn’t like it.

“You don’t have to all the time,” Pidge turned around to face me with anger but sadness layered in her amber eyes. I forced the guilt down, I wouldn’t open up. Not after I just put everything back in place.

“If I do it comes back,” I tried to say but she crossed the small distance she had traveled back to me. She stood toe to toe with me, a storm of emotions was in her eyes. None of them good.

“Keith,” she began in a broken voice then swallowed and seemingly gathered her every thought before continuing: “please don’t hide anything. If you feel sad then yes cover that but if not show everything. I know everyone will like it better with you actually being yourself,” Pidge said. I had to look away from her eyes that rested on one single emotion: hope.

“You know I can’t, I’ve never let anyone in before except you. You’re what let me open up even just a little,” I said but she started to shake her head and tears were freshly falling on her pale cheeks.

“Yes  _ you  _ can, just show emotion! That’s all it takes, please try this once,” Pidge begged, I had to shut my eyes tightly then felt my shields slid down.

“I’ll try but only this once, no promises on if it happens again and again. I just want to see what everyone says,” I muttered and Pidge sprang toward me, her arms wrapped tightly around me.

“You’re in control, rid of the monsters in your head,” Pidge whispered to me. It was part of a lullaby she sang to me some time. I shut my eyes and wrapped my arms around her after a moment.

“You can be king again,” I murmur back, we stood there for a few moments together. When we separated she tried for a smile which I sent back. We walked to the lounge where everyone was resting, we had just liberated a planet from Zarkon and were taking a break. The single break Allura was allowing. I was actually extremely glad we were given this break, I needed it after all the stress more recently.

“Hey guys,” Hunk calls out to us and I felt a small smile cross my lips, I went and sat down near the lovable Paladin.

“Hey Hunk, how’s the break for you?” I asked, it was odd that I was being overly friendly. Normally I would just shrug off Hunk’s call and kept walking or just sit down silently. Everyone else seemed to notice the change as well.

“G-Good,” Hunk replied in a semi-surprised tone. He actually shouldn’t be that surprised, if he were Lance then it would’ve been revolutionary. Pidge seemed a little on edge from the fact that Lance was standing off to the side with his mouth open in a prolonged gasp.

“Keith is being nice?!” He exclaimed, I flinched as if he had struck me. I turned my attention on the other boy who stood at the edge of the lounge near the helm doors. I pinned him to that spot with an awful glare, he was frozen in place and shut his mouth quickly.

“Keith please-” Pidge started but I was already on my feet with my normal  _ I don’t care  _ look. I looked at her with a sad gaze before heading toward the helm, shoving Lance aside when he tried to block my path. As soon as the doors slid shut I couldn’t help but stop to listen. Only because I heard Pidge start talking.

“I can’t believe you Lance!” She cried, anger was layered in her tone. I heard a small yelp, heavy footfalls then a crash on the floor. I assumed at that moment Pidge had stormed over to him and he fell back.

“What do you mean? What did I do?” I heard Lance’s panicked voice through the doors.

“He was  _ trying  _ to be different. Show more compassion for you guys, all of that stuff you three already share between each other,” Pidge said, she was absolutely furious and I knew exactly who she was talking about. Shiro, Hunk, and Lance.

“Pidge I’m sorry for being insensitive but it was just weird, Shiro you have to agree with me,” Lance said and then I heard a small grunt from Shiro then more footsteps.

“I do agree with you but I don’t think the way you said it was agreeable,” Shiro stated in a hushed voice.  _ They all hate you…  _ I shook my head and ran down the hall, I sat at front of the ship with my knees drawn up to my chest. I just stared outside for the longest time.

“Keith…?” I heard Pidge’s gentle voice call from the other side of the room, I turned and faced her with a sad smile on my face.

“I’m fine,” I mutter, trying to reassure her that she didn’t have to constantly worry about me now. She had tears in her eyes, she made a dead run in my direction.

“You’re  _ not  _ fine,” Pidge cried and dropped to the ground next to me and embraced me tightly. I shut  my eyes and rested my hand on the back of her head, she’s shed enough tears for me.

“Pidge please stop crying,” I murmur, I tried not to sound harsh. She backed away and met my eyes with her warm concerned look.

“I can’t, I’m constantly worried about you,” I flinched, that’s exactly what I wanted her  _ not  _ to do, “I care about you and I want you to be okay.”

“Please, just don’t shed anymore tears for me. I’ve caused enough pain,” I begged then looked away from her, I locked my eyes on the ground.  _ Leave _ . I shook my head again but then the whisper of the voice became louder.  _ Why aren’t you leaving?  _ I shook my head again and covered my ears trying to block out the voice that was permanently stuck in my head.  _ Take the load of your problems off her, she doesn’t  _ **_need_ ** _ you.  _ I dug my nails into the skin around my ears, I opened my mouth in that silent scream. I couldn’t close my eyes and I began to shake, I couldn’t move again. Then I felt a soft hand rest on my hand. I stopped shaking and I relaxed as she took my hand away from my ear.

“Keith, it’s okay,” Pidge whispered to me, I couldn’t look at her. She caused me to relax just by simply resting her hand on me, “just accept help, that’s all I want you to do.”

“I-I can’t,” I managed to choke out of my strained throat, I looked at her now. I allowed all the pain to show on my face, from causing her to worry about me to just the emotional stress I endure.

“Yes you can, just trust me please. I only want you to be better and healthy,” Pidge told me, she rested her arm gently around my shoulders. She barely pulled on my shoulder to lean toward her, I complied and let myself lean on her. I rested my head against her shoulder as I spoke in a small voice.

“I’m too far gone, there’s no help for me now,” I say, I shut my eyes and I felt her bring air into her lungs.

“Keith there is always help and hope. You just have to accept it’s there and willing to be used,” she said but I sat up and looked her in the eye. She needed to understand what runs around in my head.

“The whispers in my ears, they tell me to do things. They tell me to do bad things, I don’t think that’s normal. I’m always fighting for control over my own body, my own actions. I can never win. I get chilled and numb when the voice comes up from barely a murmur. There have been days where the voices scream. It’s almost like having little kids running around, making a mess and screaming. Causing complete havoc and destruction to a once orderly place. Only they’re telling me to jump. They always want to play a game with me. If I win the voices shut up. If I lose they keep running around in my head, knocking me off balance. I’ve come so close. So close. Beyond where most stop, I’ve almost won the game four times. I haven’t stopped wanting to win. There has to be another way to win. Please tell me there is. I need you Pidge, I need your help. I need this torture that happens everyday to end. I can’t deal with this anymore.”

She sat there in silence, tears were falling from my eyes as well as her’s. She was astonished, fearful maybe, shocked most likely. I couldn’t read her as well as she can read me.

“I’m sorry, I will help you. Every step of the way,” Pidge promised and hugged me again. I felt myself give way to the overwhelming swamp of feelings.

“Thank you,” I mutter over and over to the small female, she has helped me so much and I feel insanely guilty for never being able to return the favor. She rested her hand on the back of my head and began to gently run her hand through my hair. I felt myself slowly relax, all tension was released and we stood together.

“I’m always here,” she assured me in a hush tone, she stood up on her toes slightly then kissed me gently on the cheek. I shut my eyes as she remained there for a few seconds. I treasured that moment.

“I know, and I’m always here too,” I say back in the loudest voice I can muster. It turned out to only be a small whisper. I wiped her tears away that remained on her cheeks, she returned the favor and we stood there staring at each other. She led me back out to the lounge where the rest of the Paladins were along with Allura and Coran. They all turned their heads when they heard us enter the room. I looked away at the ground only to feel a metal arm on my shoulder.

“Keith, Lance has something to say to you,” Shiro told me, I looked up and saw Lance standing in front of me while Shiro stood at my side.

“I’m really sorry about before I shouldn’t have shouted that. You’re a person too. I’m sorry for not controlling my words,” Lance apologized, I could tell he meant what he said. I nodded slowly.

“It’s fine really,” I reply and he smiled, I didn’t sound sincere but when he met my eyes he could tell that I was being truthful. No one else realized that small moment we shared, understanding each other I guess. Pidge and I stayed there with everyone else, we just talked and made jokes to each other. I started laughing so hard that my sides started to hurt. When nightfall fell over the planet I started back toward my room, telling everyone I was tired. Pidge also decided to turn in for the night, I heard her gentle footfalls behind me. I continued walking until eventually I found myself at my door. I stepped through then heard a small call of protest. I turned around to see Pidge.

“No, you can’t go to bed yet. You’ll get your night terrors or become paralyzed again,” Pidge said and I felt a frown crease my face, she was dead serious. I thought I would be allowed to sleep but I would have to leave my door open.

“Pidge,” I began but then she seized my hand tightly in her’s and led me next door where her room was.

“You’re staying here tonight so I don’t have to run to your room,” she said not budging an inch from where she had planted her feet. I sighed and shrugged in defeat.

“Okay,” I simply said and walked in, I felt her smile on my back as the door slid shut and I went and sat down next to her bed but not on it. I felt a tad bit awkward in this situation. She sat down next to me and I looked over at her.

“So I’m not allowed to sleep now?” I questioned and she laughed, it wasn’t a sad laugh it was a happy sound that made me smile.

“Just get changed in here, I’ll ask if you’re dressed before coming in and all that,” Pidge told me then left her room, I left with her and grabbed some sleep clothes. I brought them back to her room because I would keep a few things on from my normal attire. I undressed and then I heard a small call on the other side of the door when I was about to pull my shirt on.

“Is it okay if I come in here now?” I heard her softly call.

“Yeah you’re fine,” I called back, the door slid open and I felt a cold hand against my bare shoulder. I sucked in a breath in surprise, I turned toward her but her other hand held onto my shoulder to keep me from moving, I felt her fingers trace over my scars gently. I almost turned around and slapped her hand away but I was frozen in place now as I heard her gently breathe.

“So much pain, you know they’re beautiful,” I felt an angry sensation bubble up inside me but then she kept talking, “they’re only beautiful because they belong to you.”

“Pidge,” was all I could force out as she turned me around to face those bright intelligent eyes. She stared right at me and I still couldn’t move despite wanting to desperately move. Pidge pinned me on the spot with her eyes, I couldn’t believe what she had done by just a few simple words.

“Why do you hurt so badly? Why do you hate everyone who tries to break through this impossibly hard act you’ve put up. I only want to know how can I actually help you?” Pidge asked me and I felt my voice return from where it had hid away from me.

“I’m scared,” I reply. A simple reply and she just frowned, she wanted to know why I’m scared without saying anything directly to me. I sighed quietly then continued to speak, “I’m terrified that I’ll lose everyone just because I’m like this. I don’t want this to be how I feel but it is. I was scared that if I open up you’ll leave me like everyone else has, like my parents did.”

“Keith I won’t leave you. I’ll be your family, just because you don’t have your biological family doesn’t mean you don’t have a family here. Everyone on this ship likes you and cares for you, trust me please. I wouldn’t be here talking to you unless I cared. I would’ve let you have night terrors and become paralyzed. I wouldn’t have talked to you at the bridge or stayed when you told me to go away. You’re beautiful and anyone would be lucky to have you as their own,” Pidge started to ramble on for a moment. I stood there astonished yet glad she said that, she seemed just as astonished at what she said to me. She turned away and looked at the ground, I stepped forward and grabbed her arm gently.

“Wait, Pidge don’t shut me out after saying that,” I begged but she turned toward her door, she wouldn’t look at me.

“Forget I said anything. Let me go,” her soft voice demanded, I didn’t let go. I wanted her to tell me what she meant by what she said and what she might be implying if my hopes are correct.

“I won’t until you tell me what you meant by lucky to have me,” that’s when she turned around and faced me. She looked upset, I released her arm and she dashed away. I stood there in the dark room then pulled my shirt on over my head and raced after her.  _ No...go to the bathroom... _ I felt the overwhelming voice take hold of my body.

“No I won’t do that,” I mutter but I was on the ground and crawling slowly down the silent hallway to where the door was. To where I have to go.  _ That’s right, listen to me very carefully.  _ I felt myself nod, I had taken the backseat while the voice drove my body to the small place where I was safest.  _ Don’t cry this time, let it happen.  _ I nodded again, I found myself at the door to everything I didn’t want to do but I was here. I reached up and turned the handle, I crawled through with a sense of numbness and terror.  _ Keep going, useless.  _ **_End it._ ** I shut the door quietly and went to the sink.

**_Trigger Warning Ahead_ **

I opened the cabinet and pulled out the medical kit, I brought it here because I don’t like the pods. I would prefer to treat my own wounds but after awhile everything caught up to me. Now all I do is create my wounds instead of treating them like I should. I opened it, I couldn’t help the tears forming in my eyes.  _ Weakling.  _ I shook my head and pulled out my blade with shaky hands, I set it down on the counter. I pulled my shirt off and picked up the blade in my left hand, I readied myself mentally.  _ Just do it already.  _ I know it seems stupid to be doing this to myself but I felt hopeless. She  _ ran  _ not just walked. Pidge didn’t want me to be around that she would leave her own room. I couldn’t handle that fact. I pressed the blade gently to my skin and began to pull down, the pain made me bite my lip. I had tears falling freely from my eyes as I shut them tightly.  _ End it already _ _. _ The shoulder was an extremely painful place to do this. I always did it on the back of the shoulder because I always wear a short sleeve shirt so you can’t see it. I did a few more, _ more do more, _ just quick tears in my skin.  _ Cause real damage you weakling. _ Then I pushed more on my skin, a large amount of blood came out of the spot. I bit my tongue tightly but when I was about to make a sound nothing came out.  _ You have no power or voice  _ was what I heard and I believed it. Everything was so pent up in my head that I had to let go now. Then I heard the door open. Then my silent scream turned into a real one. I dropped the blade on the floor and collapsed onto the floor with tears suffocating me. Screams were torn right from my raw throat.

**_You’re Okay to Keep Reading_ **

“I’m so sorry,” I heard Pidge’s voice then I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and pull me up to her lap. I didn’t open my eyes but I heard her mess around with the medical kit. I was literally shaking, gasps were torn from me as I cried in her arms. I was a mess with her but I never looked up. She was obviously looking for something. I heard her mutter sweet quiet words to me, trying to soothe me. Then I felt a cloth being pressed to my fresh cuts, soaking up the blood. I flinched but I didn’t make another sound except for the quiet whimpers that were still being ripped from my body.

“Please hold still, I want to help,” Pidge muttered to me. I went still but had her sleeve tightly in my hand, I wanted her to know I was still here. She finished her work and just sat there with me on her lap gently stroking my hair.

“Why,” was all I could muster from my raw throat, she turned my head so I was looking up at the ceiling then at her. My eyes remained open now and she just stared down at me for a moment as we stay there in silence. A soft sigh is pulled from her then she responds.

“I care,” she muttered then I realized she was crying. A tear dropped onto my face and I reached up to wipe anymore that dare fall.

“Spare yourself from me. Go and hang out with the others,” I rasp but she shook her head, she didn’t look at me when she said what she said.

“I care Keith. I don’t want you hurting anymore because no one deserves this pain. Especially you. I feel protective of you, like if I stop trying you’ll die. You need someone in your life, someone you can trust. I’ll be that person for you,” her gentle voice filled the quiet bathroom then she took in a deep breath, “I love you Keith. Even after everything you’ve put me through. I can’t help that I feel this way. You mean so much to me and I just want to be with you, I want to help you. Please let me in all the way.”

I was absolutely speechless, she looked down at me again with a sad smile. Pidge was here because she...loved me. She was waiting for me to say something, I couldn’t find my voice. I thought of the only way to respond to what she said in that moment. I sat up on my knees, I turned to face her and wrapped my arms tightly around her in a hug. When I felt her sigh in slight disappointment I knew she was thinking I didn’t feel that way but then I pulled away and looked at her. I looked at her in a completely different light as I let myself show what I’ve been feeling as well. I felt nervous but I leaned forward, my eyes never leaving her’s until eventually I shut my eyes. I found her hand near me and held onto it, I then felt her lips gently graze mine. I then pressed my lips to her’s but only for a few seconds our tears met together in that sweet moment. I was still having the after effects of crying so hard. I pulled away and felt a small smile cross my lips.

“I’m sorry about everything,” I mutter and begin to stand up with a smile. I took her hand in mine and helped her up, I flinched but she rested her hand gently on my damaged shoulder avoiding the bandages. She hugged me softly trying not to pain me anymore.  _ Push her away she’ll leave you. _ I ignored it best I could but I kept hearing the voice. It was getting louder, and louder.  _ KILL HER.  _ I began to shiver, I was scared again.

“It doesn’t control you,” a clear voice said. I opened my tightly shut eyes again, “it never did control you,” I looked down at Pidge. She keeps saving me. I only now understand why.

“Pidge how do you know when to say something like that?” I asked in a shaking voice, she laughed slightly at me then decided to look up.

“I read you better than you think,” Pidge explained simply. I could only start to laugh a small laugh. She amazed me. I was still hurt but I was doing okay, at least now I was.

“Let’s go back, you need rest and you’re staying with me tonight,” Pidge offered and I smiled at her again. I held onto her as small cries were still being torn from my throat. I was sniffling still but when we returned to her room, we limped there in silence. I laid down carefully on her bed, favoring my shoulder away from the bed so I had to sleep on my side. Pidge went to lay down on the ground and I stood up. I walked over to her and sat down next to her.

“What are you doing?” She asked and I smiled at despite my red eyes from crying.

“You either sleep on the bed or I sleep on the floor,” I reply and I saw her lips turn up in a small smile. She didn’t think I would do this but she should’ve seen it coming.

“Alright I go to my bed where are you going?” Pidge questioned and I laughed.

“I’ll be up there with you of course,” I told her bluntly, she almost protested but then sighed and crawled up on her bed. I just smiled and crawled in next to her with my arm wrapped around her middle. I felt her hand creep onto my scars on the back of my shoulder.

“Don’t do this anymore please,” Pidge muttered softly to me. I snuck a small kiss onto her forehead and made a promise that night to never do what I did again.  _ You’ll never keep it. _


End file.
